This year seems to be flying past, soon I'll be stressing because I'll be turning 32. Thirty-two. Holy crap. Makes my heart palpitate just thinking about it.

Well the tattoo isn't happening anytime soon. The money I had put away had to be used for a new battery for the car. Go figure. Don't get me wrong I'm really stoked that I had the money or else grocery day would have been super sad a couple of weeks ago.

Canceled my gym membership. I loved Planet Fitness, the staff are great, I don't feel judged, the trainer understood my goals. However the 16 miles (round-trip) is really adding up especially since gas is hovering around $4 a gallon. There's a Super Fitness 3 miles from my house so I"m going to do a 2 week free trial; see what kind of deal they'll offer and go from there. At least if I end up staying with Super Fitness ti's close enough where I can make multiple trips a day if I wanted to.

Sometimes I wonder why the heck I opted to go into wedding and event planning. I mean really!! I'm single and sometimes find it a bit overwhelming (for lack of a better word), seeing all of my friends getting engaged, planning their weddings, then of course all the photos that soon follow. Don't get me wrong I am beyond happy for them, I truly am. I wish them all the happiness but it doesn't make it sting any less, you know?

There's times when it all feels so far away. It seems as though nothing has really worked out as I anticipated it to. I know life works out according to God's plan but it can be frustrating. It's a challenge to relinquish control and just let God deal with it. Especially because sometimes I feel a pressure to find "the one" and move forward with life. It's like I know in life I'm meant to work in the wedding/events industry (which yes I understand I was just complaining about lol), be a wife, and be a mom. That's my "calling." I think it's just what I'm supposed to do. It's just one of those things that I have to turn over to God and let it go.

I'm so amped for the Brendan James show. One week from Wednesday!! Ugh I need it! I need the little getaway out of Toledo, go see a friend perform the music that stirs and heals my soul. If I had the gas/ticket money I'd without a doubt go see him perform in Akron and Columbus. But I will happily "settle" for the jaunt up to Ann Arbor. Maybe I'll make him and the band some cookies or something.

Went to a Life Group this past Tuesday, it was 2 older married couples that are going to rotate teachings, then Linoleum & myself as the "newbies." I enjoyed it, there's going to be more people joining but so far (for the first get together) it was good. No judgment, super accepting, made me love attending Cedar Creek even more. Perhaps this fall I'll check out Life Support but we'll see what transpires and see how it all works out.

On a side note I hate being ignored. If you don't want to talk to me anymore at least have the balls to say so. It's really that simple.

Hmph life. It sure seems to be slapping me around lately. It's like I just cannot get ahead. My first week of donating plasma went well, got my $100 and went on my happy little way. Stuff came up and I had to use the money to help out around the house/bills. It sucked but it's what I had to do. I go back only to be denied donating because of a bruise from the last time, I was so dang frustrated and disappointed. Plus it set my whole schedule back. I went back this past Thursday and everything went fine. I was going to go again this morning but woke up with a migraine and horribly ill, so I guess it'll have to be Monday. I'm looking forward to being done with it, because then I won't have to get up at 6am. Hopefully it all works out.

Linoleum and I were supposed to register for the Color Me Rad 5k but we have yet to do so. Driving back from the gym the other day the thought of the 5k led me knot a bit of a panic attack. I set the trip tick in the car and holy crap 3.1 miles is much farther than it apparently was in my head! I'm honestly not sure if it's doable. I know every time I go to the gym I'm getting healthier but I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to be 5k ready by mid-September. I'm really conflicted and rather terrified about it.

I don't think it helps that we recently got the water bill. The money set side to register could be put towards that, sure it's only $60 but it'd be something. I'm so tired of always being worried about money, yet ti seems like I can't get ahead either. So frustrating.

Although I did meet with the woman I'm interning for this fall. I think it's going to go really well. She even told me that if I wanted to help out this summer that I could and she'd pay me for that! So I'm stoked, after the internship is over it could lead to a part time job with her. That's a huge relief, even if it is only part time. It'd still be a job! Plus it'd be nice helping her out this summer and getting some extra cash.

Found out I'm pretty delusional and an idiot. Brett and I had our argument, I ended the relationship because he opted to ignore me for the better part of a week. After a while he texted me, and we would periodically chat; in a way it seemed as though things were back to "normal." I guess somewhere in the back of my stupid delusional brain I figured we had our argument, we'd reconcile, and move forward. Apparently that makes me a complete idiot because that's exactly how I felt (like an idiot) when he told me that he had met someone. Well okay I'm officially a moron. Awesome. It it ends up being long term I'm gonna be mega upset. James and I ended his next girlfriend (which he was dating during the last few weeks of our relationship) he ended up marrying, things were progressing well with Aaron, his next girlfriend - yep long term. It's like that crappy Dane Cook movie, Good Luck Chuck (minus all the sex). Anyway I definitely felt like a complete idiot. Oh well.

I just want to find where I'm supposed to be in this crazy world. That's why this tattoo is so important to me, it just defines where I am right now.

I miss him. A lot more than I ever envisioned I would.

Screw him. I'm better off without him, right? I think so too. :)

My life is in this spin cycle of sucky-ness/chaos. I don't know how to get it to stop. It's that overwhelming feeling of being lost and alone all over again.